Random

ahem.

2007-01-09T21:07:44Z

in light of today's soberness.
ignore previous drunken entry.
while the basic story is true, getting mad is pointless.
we all live and learn.

Why am I doing this? Boredom.

2007-01-08T21:57:04Z

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?: Is my hair orange again? (don't ask.)

2. How much cash do you have on you?: Four dollars. simply because i was lucky enough to find it in the pocket of a pair of dirty jeans.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"?: Whore.

4. Favorite planet?: Earth. Duh.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile phone?: Amanderrrrrrr

6. What is your favorite ringtone on your phone?: They are all rather annoying I'd say

7. What shirt are you wearing?: Black Led Zeppelin one

8. Do you "label" yourself? no. i mean, i look like an elf, have "emo" bangs, wear cowboy boots, and listen to Devendra. it's impossible. and a waste of time and effort.

9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing?: Steve Madden clogs

10. Bright or Dark Room?: Dark. It's a white room, but I have dark gold curtains that remedy that problem.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: yay for being as bored as me

12. What is your favorite flower?: buttercups. hey- i like yellow.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?: watching Talk Sex with Sue. Yes.

14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile phone say?: I sadly don't have text messaging. Quit rubbing it in.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?: Do those exist?

16. What's a word/phrase that you say a lot?: Dude and Chill

17.Who told you he/she loved you last?: prolly one of my parents. or my wife amanderrrr

18. Last furry thing you touched?: my houseshoes. they are furry. rawr.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?: None at all

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?: like i have an oldschool camera.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?: i liked 20 the best. but 21 is starting to grow on me.

22. Your worst enemy?: whales.

23. What is your current desktop picture?: a yellow paisly print pattern

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?: i dunno, what do you want to do.- on aim

25. Cottage or a Mansion?: mansion. i'd sell it and buy several cottages.

26. Do you like someone?: sure i like most people

27. The last song you listened to?: Sawdust and Diamonds- Joanna Newson. Perhaps my most favorite song at the moment.

maybe there's a little bit of scarlet o-hara in me after all.

2006-12-11T10:28:32Z

i think i might have had something just short of a revelation tonight.
i really do.
i've reached some sort of conclusion, and i'm not even depressed about it.
in fact i'm laughing and enjoying this horrible Elvis movie on tv instead of crying into my pillow.
maybe getting older and maturing isn't such a bad thing after all.

or maybe it's just the fact that i've been so confused as to what to do for so long that i'm relieved to have a grasp on my course of action, no matter what the outcome is.
and to think it all took place within a game of truth or dare.
actually, the more i sit here and think, the happier and more confident i get.
i think i might actually feel better than i have in months.
which is a blessing, believe me.

i don't know how many people actually read this anymore, but i know that a couple of you do if you get anywhere near as bored as i do. either way, this of course has to do with THAT person, who is referred to as Robert Plant.
for a whole year,i've swung back and forth about this guy.
and i finally realized, WHAT DOES IT EVEN MATTER.

which i think, if you are one of the few who happen to know him, might be what he was tryin to tell me all along, and the philosophy he has that i've been intrigued by since the day we met. i think that all along i have been jealous of that kind of lifestyle, and wanted most to experience it myself.

it has been a year since he moved, and up until this very day we have always managed to keep in touch and have feelings for each other, despite some lapses in time where we can't talk for weeks and even months. which as we all know has made me overanalyze and confuse myself, since obviously to pick up where you left off that easily means that it's something pretty unique that doesn't happen very often in life. anyway, during truth or dare my sleep-deprived mind slipped and i asked the taboo question that we never talk about: did he in all honesty like me or was it a just for fun/physical/boredom/random thing.

the answer i got was that he did in fact like me a lot, but that a relationship was an impossibility (for obvious reasons- he lives in TN, he works, i have school, he has no cell phone...etc. etc.).
which i have known all along, somehow, but chose to ignore.
and for about an hour i was sad.

but then i got to thinking.
thinking about why i ever even worried about the future in the first place.
this is almost the perfect situation for me.
i mean, a guy i like likes me back and just as much.
i can see him randomly just whenever either one of us starts to think about the other one.
and no rules, no suffocation restraints that i hate hate hate out of every other kind of relationship i've experienced.

and besides, when we first met we didn't think we could ever like each other in the first place.
and we did.
and we stay in contact, and have a marvelous time whenever we do see each other.
besides, it has to mean something that no matter what has happened or how much time has passed, we always wind up right where we started. and if it's something that's right, it'll happen on it's own. who knows what life will bring later?
so what is the negative here?
the worst that can happen is that i learned to relax and chill and we both have good memories.

so i'm just going to take every day one step at a time.
cherish all of the wonderful people in my life, and have a good time.
life is a big old unpredictable, confusing trip, so it's no good trying to predict or worry in the first place.

damn.

i sound like a hippie.

but at least i'm a happy one.

peace out

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

2006-12-09T06:37:48Z

one thing remains constant in my life:
no matter how hard i try, i always seem to let someone down.
i spend most of my time straining myself as much as possible to make those around me happy.
to not disappoint them.
to not let them down.
to remain important in their lives somehow.
and then, whenever i take a step towards making myself happy, it seems i always let someone down horribly.

today's my 21st birthday.
the big birthday.
not many more exciting birthday's after this one.
the boy i was once in love with, what seems like ages ago, and have been working my ass off to remain friends with, didn't call and wish me happy birthday. or email. or even a cliche myspace message.
i took him out to eat on his.
over a year of my life, completely with this person.
over a year of my life, trying to be a good girlfriend, and always seeming to fail miserably.
i thought i could be the anti-normal ex-girlfriend, and be a good friend and keep in contact.
apparently that's not going to happen.
i saw him, got pretty horribly snubbed.
and as sad and silly as it is to get upset about, all traces, hints, anything, of me has been deleted from myspace. deleted from pathetic internet history forever.
i wanted to look at it as something that has helped up learn and grow and be the people we are today. something fond to look back at.
but apparently i'm just a memory that was waiting to be erased.
ironic.
and it's not just that.
my own wishy-washyness. my own insecurities. my own inexplicable feelings towards THAT person that always show up over and over again at the worst of times, make me let everyone around me down.
is it too much to just want to make myself happy?
does that always have to mean letting others down?

regardless, i think it's time for me to hold fast through the storm.
i'm selfish for once.
i'm not gonna beat myself up about it.
no matter what horrible things it may have seemd like i've down to those i care about,
i've only treated myself a hundred times worse.

and today, or seeing as how it's now after midnight, yesterday- i have decided that 21 is an important birthday to me.
it is the day i shake other's responsibilities off
and
become

happy.

Here's to Old Age

2006-11-24T05:28:56Z

I turn 21 next week.
Is it possible to miss yourself?
I'm burning bridges faster than I can cross them
sitting in a room full of childhood
memories settling on the floor around me like dust
and i'm missing myself.
they say that every person you meet changes the person you turn out to be.
but sometimes i wonder if the real trick is being able to hold onto the person that you've always been, despite the comings and goings of people throughout your life.
i miss thinking about random things like these.

imreallyaudrey @ 2006-10-09T12:06:00

2006-10-09T17:04:08Z

do people still do this thing?
i'm thinking probably not
i'm lacking motivation
i want new cds
i want to see marie antoinette
and to go to the my morning jacket show in louisville
and to kill every last member of Hinder
because they suck so bad
jackson's orchard is calling my name
nothing a hayride and apple cider on a fall day can't fix

your time is gonna come

2006-09-13T11:57:39Z

what to say, what to say.
the first and as of yet only person i have ever loved recently informed me that he does not love me anymore.
not a bit.
not a smidge.
not a whit.
just cares for me as a friend.
i think the weather is fitting.
we used to talk about getting married, we both thought it would happen, and i guess a little part of me has always kept that in the back of my mind.
now he likes some other girl, not me.
but isn't this what i wanted?
i guess it's a case of too little too late.
cliche as it sounds, i feel like something in me has been ripped out. and try as i might, i'm finding nothing that can fill it.
i wish this would stop.

Temptation

2006-08-18T15:04:50Z

i know it happens to most of us.
but damn.
i'm doing the best that i can.
but Robert Plant leaving his number and hounding you to come see him.........
that makes it HARD HARD HARD.
I'm really kind of at a loss right now.
i have no idea what to do.

imreallyaudrey @ 2006-06-26T17:34:00

2006-06-26T22:54:41Z

1. Start Time: 5:35 pm
2. Name: Kristin
3. Nickname: Kris, Miss Kris, K.P, xtin, K. Pru, K. Dub, hippie ass, etc. etc.
6. Zodiac: saggitarius
7. Hair color: dark brown
8. Eye color: green
9. Height: 5'2"..aka short as fuck
10. Favorite Color: yellow
11. Glasses: yes, i wear them occasionally
13. Piercing/tattoos: just my ears, planning on getting a tattoo sometime in the near future
14. Birthplace: glasgow, ky aka hell
16. Siblings names: kennedy

******HAVE YOU EVER******
17. Cut your own hair?: the question should be when have I NOT cut my own hair.
18. Did something in the past month that you will regret? i do something nearly everyday. because i have a problem. it's called doing/saying whatever pops into my head. you should try it sometime.
19. Have you ever met someone you were not supposed to?: met as in met up and hung out with? yes. mom's don't like druggies apparently.
20. Kissed someone who wasn't your g/f or b/f?: yes
21. Skipped school?: in college, yes, somedays you just would much rather sit on your ass, eat icecream, and watch mtv re-runs.
22. Bungee jumped?: no no no and i never will, i'm scared of heights
23. Had sex outside?: define outside.
24. Dumped someone?: yes
25. Killed someone?: no i haven't SEE CHRISTINA I DO HAVE MORALS
26. Been arrested?: no
27. Broken into someone's house: yes, by accident willie and i got into tom and gunn's
28. Won something?: yeah, the lottery, i'm rich now didn't i tell you?
32. Used a lighter?: oh yes, gotta love those
33. Been on stage?: only a few times and I'd like to keep it that way

*****FAVORITE*****
34. Season?: summer
35. Food: italian or mexican. i can't decide.
36. Ice cream flavor: chocolate fudge from baskin robbins. in a chocolate dipped waffle cone with chocolate sprinkles puhlease and thank you.
37. School subject(s): english
38. Person(s): myself, duh
39. Breakfast cereal: i don't eat cereal.
40. Number(s): 75. don't ask.
41. Book(s): oh god i could least at least a hundred. but right now i'll stick with: jane eyre, portrait of an artist, crime and punishment, wuthering heights, and emily of new moon
43. Song(s): i'm not sure specifically. but i do know that it is by Led Zeppelin.
44. Park: covington in bg
45. State: tennesee
46. Place: nashville
47. Sport to watch: i dont do sports
48. Sport to play: see above
49. Bands/musicians: LED ZEPPELIN, my morning jacket, bonnie raitt, mew
52. Cartoon: family guy
54. Name for a son: i don't ever think about boys names..but yeah i'm not having kids so maybe that's why
55. Name for a daughter: AUDREY, of course

***DO YOU PREFER******
56. Chocolate or Vanilla?: like anyone doesn't know the answer to that question
57. Red or Blue?: blue
58. Long relationships or one night stands?: long relationships.
59. Dogs or cats?: neither, i'm not a big fan of animals in general. they are pretty boring if you ask me. plus they make me sneeze like woah
60. Scary movies or comedies?: comedies, i don't handle scary movies very well but i'm gettin better
61. Short or long hair?: long. i want it. damnit.
62. Croutons or bacon bits?: bacon bits
63. Kissing or hugging?: kissing

******FIRST THINGS THAT COME TO MIND******
64. Mexicans: el mazatlan
65. School: ready to go back
66. Grass: my eyes
67. Cow: tipping
68. Canada: dry?
69. Mouse: run
70. Hands: holding...okay that was gay

******THE PAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU******
71. Watched a movie?: yes, harry potter last night
72. Drank Alcohol?: yes, screw driver on saturday
73. Cried?: no yess it's been 3 whole days
74. Threw up?: nope
75. Drank a glass of water?: lots to make up for that screwdriver
76. Done Drugs?: nope
77. Talked on the phone? yes not too long ago either
78. Watched TV?: yes, The Nanny
79. Looked in the mirror?: yeah, i'm mean i'm hot
80. Taken a shower?: yes certainly
81. Taken a picture?: nope
82. Listened to music?: constantly
83. Kissed someone?: nope
84. Had sex?: nope
85. Told someone you liked them?: nope
86. end time?: 5:54pm

I'm back bitches.

2006-06-20T02:10:21Z

IF A MOVIE WAS MADE OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:

Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
For every question type the song that's playing.
When you go to a new question press the next button.
Ready? GO!

Opening Credits: Crank Heart- Xiu Xiu ...so far so good...

Waking Up: Jamie- Jenoah

Falling in Love: Getchoo- Weezer ...haha oh shiiiiit...

Fight scene: So Impossible- Dashboard Confessional ...that would be the gayest fight scene on record...

Breaking up: Emergency- Paramore

Getting back together:Poor Little Rich Boy- Regina Spektor

Secret Love: Addiction- Kanye West...hellzzzz yeahhhhhhhhh "why everythin supposed to be bad make me feel so good"...

Life's okay: It's the Law- Mates of State

Mental Breakdown: We're Just Friends- Wilco

Driving: The Rain Song- Led Zeppelin ...oh god words can't even express how i love them and this song kicks ass...

Flashbacks: July, July!- The Decemberists

Partying: Every Man Has a Molly- Say Anything ...HAHAHA fitting...

Happy dance: End of the Line- Murder by Death ..not very fuckin happy...

Regretting: Points Underneath- The Honorary Title

Long night alone: Brace Yourself- Howie Day

Final Battle: Sadest Girl Story- The Starting Line

Death scene: Scream- Billy Idol

Ending credits: At the Lowest Point- Anathallo

i feel like i should be high

2006-06-14T03:30:27Z

Into the Mystic- Van Morrison
Certain Shade of Green(acoustic)- Incubus
Mellow Yellow- Donavon
Good Morning Starshine- Donavon
Sunshine Superman- Donavon
Atlantis- Donavan
What You Know About- Donavon
Season of the Witch- Donavon
Everybody I Love You- CSN&Y
Sea of Madness- CSN&Y
Our House- CSN&Y
Woodstock- CSN&Y
Old Man Take A Look at My Life- CSN&Y
Bastard- Ben Folds
Jesusland- Ben Folds
Landed- Ben Folds
Gracie- Ben Folds
Sparks- The Who

i'm going to bonnaroo
g'bye.

imreallyaudrey @ 2006-06-08T21:48:00

2006-06-09T02:53:59Z

i wish
there was a way to tell
if you are really trying to protect me
or be your usual selfish, uncaring self

on the one hand, the good is so out of character
it's nearly unbelievable

on the other hand
things have been different lately

i think i need to take a break from all things romantic
yes
i'm taking a vacation from boys and their horrible ways
i'm sick and tired of being "that girl" they want....later
when they are tired of those painted up right here right now girls
and so
vacation

i love boys but for a while i'm only going to love them as good friends
i just want to chill, and have a kick ass summer

starting with bonnaroo

imreallyaudrey @ 2006-06-07T01:41:00

2006-06-07T06:41:19Z

tonight was fun
i <3 those crazy boys
i miss the bg people outrageously
only 2 more months

Well shes running to the hills again
can you tell me if she'll ever return
She must be mother natures child
Because shes running through,
A girl of the wild
Shes talking to the trees again
telling me that shes one of them
Looking at the blood on the tree
Is she ever gonna notice me

Can you remember the first time we met
living together in colossal times
Somethings are given, with no reason why
living together all of the time
Love is for gypsies with wondering eyes

imreallyaudrey @ 2006-06-06T16:27:00

2006-06-06T21:27:14Z

how much of this journal is true, and how much is what sounds like something good to say?
i'll never tell.

she lives on the borderline that they call hazel

2006-06-05T21:50:04Z

The middle of the night
Some hairbrained scheme
Months of hoping you are in jail
And all you have to say its "Let's go, now"
And I have to force the words "I can't" out of my mouth
Is this the beginning of another bad ending?

I see you in...less than 2 weeks.
A crowd of hundreds maybe, but you know where I'll be.
And you will fall in love.
I feel sorry for us both.

a lady searching for a gentleman in a world full of harlots and sleazebags.

2006-06-04T07:33:32Z

i don't know what is wrong with me
i complain all the time about how i attract assholes and jerks from miles away
but then i sit here and let people say the most ridiculous/outrageous things to me
and i don't get mad
or cuss them out
or slap them
any other normal girl would
but i can't stand making people mad at me
i avoid it at most all costs
and i'm not unintelligent
i realize that many people take advantage of me because of that
i see it happening
and yet if i even so much as suspect you might have an honest bone in your body and a drop of goodness in you
i back down, soothe, calm, put up with shit, and compromise
even if i see people doing the same thing that always happens
i give everyone a chance just in case they are nice
and i think it's a sad thing that because things are the way they are these days
that i feel like i have to get meaner and bitchier to keep myself out of harms way
i know i joke
and tease
and am always sarcastic and never serious
but
honestly and seriously for once it is horrible to be
a lady searching for a gentleman in a world full of harlots and sleazebags.
there.
i admit it.
i'm a good girl.
and i can't do a damn thing about it.

The Story of My Life....

2006-06-02T02:54:22Z

...You're captivating while evading
All the questions I have for you like,
"What exactly makes you tick?"
When the guilt sets in tell me
What are we going to do?

Your tongue is wet with a top secret passion
I hope I am the cause of it
I'll navigate this unsturdy vessel
Filled with a soft sea of pillows and blankets

And I fight the urge to explore
The vastness of your curves I adore
You know I, I hate you
No, I hate you more
You know I, I love you
No, I love you more

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you

I've sunken in the quicksands of love
And I don't want you to rescue me
Screw what my supposed friends think
It's obvious they reek of jealousy
It's obvious they reek of jealousy

And I fight the urge to explore
The vastness of your curves I adore
You know I, I hate you
No, I hate you more
You know I, I love you
No, I love you more

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you

I hope to God I mean a little more then the sounds that escape your tired 4 A.M. lips
And oh-how I wish I meant a little more then a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you

Also, I love Miss Cara Scott. And I can't wait to see her. And I know things will turn out alright for her.

imreallyaudrey @ 2006-06-01T01:47:00

2006-06-01T07:30:00Z

this has been the strangest week on record.
they are coming out of the woodwork.

why talk to me? i mean really? goooooo away. jesus.

the world has tilted from it's axis, i'm convinced.
i hate all you horrible boys.

quotes from none other than myself on a delerious night tonight:
"we are straight up thuggin over here"
"...and now it's like i'm a balloon"
"i have morals. i mean, i haven't killed anybody yet. that's something."
"dang woman you about lit my leg on fire!"
"I'm so not mean. O' Charlie's give you CARROT CAKE on your birthday?! I'd so throw it at them. What? Was that mean?"
"Quick! What do gangsters say?"
"You can't get horny over some guy in a television that's fat now."

Sometimes I embarass myself.

why doesn't everybody just chill?...

2006-05-31T00:32:44Z

it's my life philosphy.

Some people cry and some people die by the wicked ways of love
But I'll just keep on rollin' along with the grace of the Lord above.

imreallyaudrey @ 2006-05-29T19:07:00

2006-05-30T00:08:56Z

~~Magnet~~

"Patrick can slap her every morning"

2006-05-27T06:45:01Z

"You said he looked like a queer! And it's true!" hahahhaha tonight was amazing.
Amazingly Amazing.

Me and Lauren before graduation.

Christina and I, before Mrs. Leach kicked me out
Me and Melanie in the gym. Lord how I miss that girl.

Kate and I, her graduation is tomorrow

Me, Christina, and Sara after everyone left

I have no idea

And just because I like this picture:

I wanna be Audrey Hepburn

.

I'm bored.

: : HONESTLY SECTION-

1. Honestly, what color are your underwear?
red with black polka dots at the moment

2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
how excited i am about tomorrow and how i wish i wasn't sunburnt

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
filling out this lame-ass survey and watching a movie

4. Honestly, what did you do today?
went to work, laid out, went to graduation, came home

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
heck yes i do

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
nope, score one for kristin

7.Honestly have you watched cable?
nah i don't watch that much tv

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
nope i'm not

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
chocolate good music standing on my head

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
yep. every single one of them.

11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
tired but extremely happy

12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
the eating all junk food in sight disorder

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
honestly, no, i'm in my jammies

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
i'm a very mysterious girl.

15. Honestly, do you have a friend you dont actually like?
i have a future roomate....

16. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
i'd like to hug myself. and then some trees.

17. Honestly, are you loyal?
yes, like a dog, only better, cause i'm a person, ya know

18. Honestly, are you in denial?
honestly i'm very honestly honest with myself most of the time. honestly.

19. Honestly, would you rather be having sex rite now?
doesn't sound half bad at 'tall

21. Honestly, does someone like you?
most of the world does

22. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
oh boys, they never let you know what's going on. don't worry, be happy...

-ANGER SECTION-

1. What do you do when you're mad?
i cry. and sometimes i stomp my feet. while cussing. maybe this is why people like to make me mad.

2. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
um i slapped wes once.

3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
yeah fo sho i can woop up on a bitch

4. Ever hurt anyone physically when you were mad?
chyeah usually i just give myself a headache

5. Do you curse when you're mad?
like a sailor

-CRYING SECTION-

1. When was the last time you really cried your heart out?
last night yo yo

2. Ever cried yourself to sleep?
i've cried until i've passed out before

3. Do you cry when you get an injury?
yeah sometimes. most of the time. i cry a lot mmkay?

-HAPPY SECTION-

1. Are you normally a happy person?
yes i usually am. lately. which is why anything i write SUCKS

2. What can make you happy?
honesty. friends. people falling down.

3. Does being with your friends make you happy?
most of the time it does

-SELF ESTEEM SECTION-

1. Is your self-esteem extremely low?
my self-esteem is through the roof

2. Do you believe in yourself?
yes'm

3. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny that you are?
nope i say "thanks i know"

4. Are you one of those people that think they are ugly, dumb, and fat??
ummm nope sure not.

And...

2006-05-26T22:20:04Z

She said "I'm searching for a man with balance."
He said "I brought you some icecream."

Why is I want to see you automatically associated with marry me and have my babies?

f-l-o-w, that's what it's all about.

lost and not yet found. maybe i should try europe. or ebay.

reminiscing.... and partly dedicated to Xtina and Amanda

2006-05-26T05:37:12Z

I'm up late for the first time in what feels like ages. So if none of this makes sense, I do apologize.
Sleep just doesn't seem to be something that's going to come easy for me tonight. Like in Anne of Green Gables "It's going to be another 3 a.m morning"
So tomorrow night is Christina's and Amanda's graduation.
And I've spent the better part of 2 hours losing myself in memories.
On a whim, for 2 hours I've been sitting here on my bed reading through entries from two years ago on my old livejournal.
Maybe it's the heat lightening or maybe it's because Christina and I just watched Everything is Illuminated.
Either way, I feel sort of like crying.
I hope tomorrow is amazing for you two. I hope you don't cry too much and I hope you don't trip in your high heels.
I feel like crying because I realize that my summer after graduation/freshman year of college was one of the most amazing and exquisite and heartbreaking drama filled infite times of my life. I can never go back and I'm old and ancient and it's never going to be that way again. We never appreciate freedom more than when we get our first taste. I want both of you to do whatever the fuck pops into your head this summer. You are adults and you can and I swear FUCK DAMNIT SHIT I'M SUCH A GIRL. I really AM crying now!! God I miss that time when every emotion was hightened because it was NEW to me. I want the world to be new to me again. Our society is so fucked and jaded. We raise our kids to be cynical from the moment they come out of the womb. It's a sad thing when at 20 I'm sitting here crying because I worry that I'll never really FEEL things again the way I used to.
I want those nights back of driving all over the state of kentucky. Of lying to our parents and getting that high from doing so. Of flying down abandoned country roads at 4 in the morning to get back before our parents woke up. Of rolling the windows down and talking about things that actually MEAN something. Of not worrying about what happened to us because we were young and infinte and besides at least we'd die happy. Of loving music so much that I ached. I miss those times when single glances could send what seemed liked a thousand tingles up and down my spine. Of needing no more than a single glance and being contented. I miss discovering that the things I was most insecure about myself were what worked to my greatest advantage. Hell and I'm being honest about it I would not even take back those nights of crying and raging and hugging about having my "heart broken". Because that was LIFE and I was LIVING IN THE MOMENT and I can't think of a single day that I felt numb.
I may be a very irrational and emotional mess of a person, but I do realize that in two years I've gained alot.
I've experienced love. I'd never trade that experience for anything. It wasn't easy. It wasn't a piece of cake. And it sure as hell was nothing like Cinderella and nothing like I expected it to be. But it was an amazing experience in it's own rite. It's just bittersweet because I know that is a door I've forever passed through. Whatever relationships I have from here on out will be affected by my first idea of love.
I've also done a lot of things that I neeeeeeeeever thought I'd do, that I swore up and down I'd never do. From alcohol to smoking to lying to sex to tickets to tears. I'd never trade a single thing. Okay except maybe for that ticket. I could use 100 bucks. I've come to realize that you can't raise your kids in a glass house. It's pointless to try to protect them from the world. I've also realized that there comes a point in time when you've got to make decisions for yourself and you realzie that your parents are just regular people. They arent' always right. You may be right while they are wrong. They won't always have the answers for you. You've got to make your own path.
I've also learned the hard way that you just can't get through life continously beating yourself up for your mistakes. That is something I still struggle with and will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. I'm all about heart over head and let me tell you I get myself into some of the most inexplicable and awful situations ever. But. You've got to make your decisions and not worry about it if you turn out to make the wrong one. In fact, I'm struggling with this right now. But. We learn from the past and the only sad thing would be to keep making the same mistake over and over again. I'm ending that now.
It's funny to me to read those old ridiculous and embarassing things that I've written. But I just can't bring myself to delete them. I hated so much about myself. I hated being called cute. I hated my eyes with so much passion you just don't understand. I hated my shyness. I hated my inexperience. I hated my tendency to worry and watch over people. After two years of mistakes and lessons I've learned that every single damn thing I used to hate about myself are the things that I now depend on.
I know probably no one will read this. Especially if they scroll and see how long it is. But. I guess I just want to say that you two if you ever see this I wish you so much luck and I hope you have fun and make mistakes and meet lots of people and have one of the best years of your life.
And right now I'm being selfish as usual and having a pity party because I realize I've let myself get into a routine and I've become so NUMB. I hate that. I always swore to myself that I'd never get like that. And so, here's to a summer that I hope will be amazing. God I'm emo tonight. The End.

so.

2006-05-25T17:32:29Z

day 3 of being good and trying to find some morals.
so far:
1)i have a headache.
2)i wore my "hole-y" jeans to work and the back pocket ripped so now my ass is showing.
3)it's cloudy and christina and i were going to lay out and listen to led zeppelin this afternoon.

...i'm really trying not to read to far into this.
maybe i will win the lottery.

imreallyaudrey @ 2006-05-24T22:22:00

2006-05-25T03:27:06Z

What is the point of trying to do the right thing for once, if you just get kicked in the ass anyway? I swear I can't catch a break lately. But I'm still doing pretty good at it. We'll call this an experiment.

PdotSdot: This song is pretty creepy. But this part gives me goosebumps and yummmm guitar:
Oh, Rosie, oh, girl.
Steal away now, steal away
Little Robert Anthony wants to come and play.
Well they call me the hunter, that's my name.
They call me the hunter, that's how I got my fame.
Ain't no need to hide, Ain't no need to run.
'Cause I've got you in the sights of my..........gun